L . O . N . E . L . Y

Six words
Suffocated meaning
Unbearable feeling
Wistful futile thoughts

Boundless stormy ocean
Endless silence
Eternal isolation
Bottomless darkness pit

Unheard
Unspoken
Hidden sights

Kills smiles
Assassinate inspirations
Slaughter the will to live

A soft killer
Devil is smiling

God has created you stronger than loneliness.
Don’t let it argue with you. Beat it to death. Walk free.

Why I Write My Voice

Prelude

I’m inspired to share my reasons to write after reading ‘Why I Write‘ by Hira N.      Her truthful reasons echoes in my brain, Why I Write?

I asked my inner self repeatedly Why I Write?

I felt seeing myself going into my brain rummaging through every cell of it searching for the reasons. I am not ashamed to confess that I am a survivor from a narcissistic relationship. The relationship that was not long. It stands for just 6 months. God Bless me for not testing me longer than that. Alhamdulillah.

Nevertheless,  the damage of that six months to my brain is tremendous! This is in particular when I was at the most critical point of finishing my Ph.D., writing. Yes, writing. When writing is the most critical skill that I need. and where I needed my thinking with clarity!!!

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Why do I write? Why you write?

Why I Write?

First and foremost, I write for therapeutic reasons.

I write to control my brain from wandering everywhere. I realize that when you write –you’re writing about something, you need to stay focus to write on what you say that you’re going to write. So by doing that you train and refrained your brain from going off-track. I believe writing works for my brain as it increases the ‘pay attention time’ to say focus. Good writing needs clarity in presenting thoughts and ideas as well as arguments. Good writing putting ideas until one will arrive at a logical flow. So this requires my brain to truly stay focus. The struggle is real and it deprives a tremendous energy of my brain.

What happens to my feeling at this time? Well, frankly, writing in not my strength. This is especially when it comes to writing in a language that is not my mother tongue. This is my major setback.

I write to keep up with my hibernating brain. I write so that I don’t lose my flow of writing in my dissertation. I write to express things that I can’t express verbally. I write to think clearly. I write to verify things that I’m uncertain about that are thumping in my heart. I write to win the battle with the monster of doubtful. Doubtful feelings kill my passion and progress.

Second, I write to re-learn about myself. I write to remind myself of who I am. The crazy experience with the narcissist slowly kills my connection with my inner self. How? It attacks my identity, my confidence, my life principals and my core values as well as your wholebeing. Through writing I re-enter into my thoughts and feelings to hunt my old self. I found my old self buried deep under layers of lies, fake accusations and distorted reality as well as evil emotional burdens and fragility. I found her and I pulled her out and cleanse her from all the burdens and fragility. Alhamdulillah. Yeah, it is the feeling of finding my way home. Because of that I write so I feel good of ‘coming home’. Why I feel good? I pour out the boxes of thoughts with ‘the other person’ distorted identity and principals and values that are incorporated by forced into my inner being that dragged me to the confusion state of who I am, suffocated and unheard. Yes, and I write to be heard. To be heard by myself. I want to hear news from the inner self me!

Third,  I write to learn. In the recent years I’ve discovered that writing is one of the effective ways to learn. Well, I have to dig out my brain as well as planted new knowledge to better understand on something. I write to remember new things that I learned. I write to expand ideas and thoughts. I write to get facts connected. I write for sense-making. This purpose also helps me identify the gaps in my understanding that I have on the pursuit of understanding on certain subjects.

Fourth, I write to share and relate to others: I write to share my deepest pain. I write to relate to others who have similarly experienced. I found that when I can relate to other experiences that similar, I feel the burden lifted. I feel that I’m not alone. Normal people do walking rough path journey. And most importantly, I learnt about how to go about to overcome their challenges to face the same experiences. How they react to address the challenge. This is gold. Like one proverb say, you can change lemon to lemonade! That will make your day!

Fifth,  I write as a reminder and guide to walk through the turbulence. From this perspective, I see writing as a savior tool to remind me. I always forgot where I have been in my life after the life turbulence. I thought I walked out from it safely. And never, ever bump into it. The mistakes. The killing pains. The silly things. But NO, the turbulence never forgets me. Sometimes I get caught again with the same trap. And then again walking the mess, these printed words of the past reminds me, guide me, and encourage me to walk through the past again. Last time I made, God Willing, I will make it through again, and again.

Sixth, I write to inspire others that they can do it too! I write as I want to make writing as a habit and turning it into a hobby. I write to touch my inner feelings and deep thoughts. I write with my feelings. I write my thoughts. I write to think. I write to validate.  I write to learn. I write to persuade. I write to reach others who might have undergone similar paths of life. I write to know that I’m not different than other people out here. I write to say to others that you’re alone. I write to tell others that I can do it and so can you. I write to share that to know whether the pain in my heart is natural. I write to recreate. I write to get to know myself. I write to make new friends with same boats.

Seventh, I write for some many reasons! Alright, I write so many other reasons! I write an art of sing a song.  I write in pain sometimes in frustration. I write to learn to be truthful about my feelings. I write to learn to be articulated with my thoughts. I write to reflect.  I write to rewired my brain. I write to rationalize myself. I write when I’m angry. I write to delay my outburst when I’m angry. I have endless of reasons to dive into writing.

Finally, as I’ve declare earlier when I opened this window on Why I Write, I write for therapeutic reasons.

Can you relate to anyone of them? If not What are your reasons to write?

Jealousy Kills

In the past weeks, I learn a hard life lesson

Jealousy kills love?

But on the second thought

Jealousy may be a test to true love? 

If your loved ones truly love you

The best of you and the bad of you

Then He/She is able to forgive you? 

What do you think? About how jealousy impact your relationship with loved ones?