Soul Diseases

The disease that knowledge bring is arrogance, and the disease that worship bring is showing off

by Ibnu Taimiyyah

By nature Human is plagued with many diseases, spanning from the physiological, to metaphysics until the unseen, the soul one. The first two diseases can be possibly detected through various medical methods. Nevertheless the third one, the soul disease is challenging to be detected.

Ibnu Taimiyyah recommended two indicators to identify when one (or even ourselves) is being plagued with the disease resulted from knowledge and worship. If one is enriched with knowledge while he/she is not purifying the heart, then arrogance will conquers him/her. This can be displayed through their arrogance behavior. On the other hand, if he/she ‘dedicated’ him/herself to God through endless worships, then he/she has the tendency showing off all his/her worships to others. This could be suggesting that their worship is not authentically for God but only for people to see and gain worldly benefits.

In a nutshell, we have to always alert and take caution with our intention and the state of our soul in pursuing the journey to be a learned person and devout soul to God. Both have challenges in the pursuit of our authentic goals. Always purify the soul and then let the purified soul to be the compass to navigate and orienting the direction.

Fear

Fear does not prevent death, it prevents life

by Naquib Mahfouz

Naquib words of wisdom tells you that you have to face the fear in you. The more you fear something, the more you need to deal with it. Why dealing it upfront is crucial? Simply, fear prevents you to pursue life. You need to overcome fear in order to progress in life.

If you did make attempts to deal with your fear and failed many times, do not despair. Try again, and again until you landed with the one or several that kills your fear permanently.

I believe it’s not the solution that makes you stronger to face fear. However, unconsciously the skills that you’ve developed in the process of striving to overcome your fear is the gold! That harnessed skills are the one that are making you a stronger person. So keep it going!

Heart Writing

Write hard and clear about what hurts

by Ernest Hemingway

Pour my heart out. This is where the well of pain. Clean my heart from the pain. Word by word. Over and over again. Write the earnest truth. Nothing to hide.

Let’s my heart write. I brave myself face what I’ve written. The truth sometimes hard to swallow. But it’s okay. Life is full of surprises. The good ones. The bad ones. The happy ones. The sad ones. The incredible ones. Life has infinity tastes

Go on swallow. Swallow them. Word by word. The more times I swallow my own pain, the more familiar I become with the bitter taste of the pain. Eventually, the bitterness becomes bland. Bland into nothingness.

The future whispers to me deeply … ‘Remember, the feeling of hurts are temporary. I belief that submission to the will of God for not matter what situations (redha) is fundamental to wipe out the heart pain. No questions whatsoever. Just walk out. Value the emotions. Add on to my life experience palettes. And my belief is that time heals is another essential principle. Then my belief that my heart has the power of self-cleaning function. Heart Self-Cleaning function works with time. The more I use the self-cleaning function, the more efficient and effective it become the cleanse the heart. With redha and by time, my cleanse heart will heal’. InsyaAllah.

The collateral beauty of heart writing, it triggers the reason for an expressive writing habits. Over and over again. So I believe therapeutic writing is one of many ways to develop the writing habits. So move forward with heart writing!

You’re Not Alone

When you feel your shout unheard

Believe me you’re not alone

When you feel your friends deserted you

Believe me you’re not alone

When you feel your reachout hand ignored

Believe me you’re not alone

When you feel your candle failed to light up

Believe me you’re not alone

When you feel, God don’t react to your prayers

Believe me, that’s untrue

Look up, you will see a rainbow on top of you!

Siapa Sebenarnya DiriMu?

Satu soalan ingin ku tanya pada mu.

Siapa Sebenarnya DiriMu?

Mengapa? Mengapa harus dirimu tidak tuturkan keputusan mu itu sendiri. Dengan suara mu. Mengapa dirimu memilih hanya titipkan keputusan mu melalui message? Sedangkan baru sahaja dirimu meletakkan bicara telefon denganku. Bukankah tindakan itu bercanggah dengan kewibawaan mu? Bukankah itu mengundang prasangka tidak baik dalam diriku terhadapmu?

Sedangkan sudah ku tahu inilah keputusanmu sejak dari awal pagi pada hari tu. Allah anugerahkan petunjuknya kepada mereka yang benar mendahului percaturan mu. Kamu lupa Allah? Allah itu pelindung kepada mereka yang diinaya?

Dirimu lupa? Engkau merancang, tapi ada Allah Azawajalla yang Mengurus dan Merancang segalanya. Mengawasimu, memerhatikan mu, mendengar bicara hati mu setiap detik, merekodkan setiap percaturanmu. Jangan kau lupa, Allah juga mengukur setiap pahala dan doa mu dan aku atas setiap tindak tanduk yang halus dan kasar.

Aku sungguh tidak mengerti! Apa tujuanmu sebenarnya? Apa matlamatmu? Adakah dirimu bersama Allah Azawajalla ketika berterus terang bersama message mu itu? Atau dirimu diselubungi nafsu materialistik dan perancangan habuan-habuanmu? Atau dirimu menurut ikutan nasihat sahabatmu semata? Kemana hala tuju semua ini?

Kekal dalam ingatan ku, ” Hati-hati dengan penunggang agama” pesananmu. Diketika ini seolah-olah bayangan pesanan itu sesuai dengan dirimu dan sahabatmu. Bak kata pepatah melayu, ‘Kerana nila setitik, Habis susu sebelanga‘ .

Sesungguhnya aku tersalah mengerti siapa dirimu sebenarnya. Di lubuk soleh mana pun dirimu berada! Seputih manapun jubah yang kau sarungkan! Pangkat agama mana yang kau banggakan itu! Sebanyak manapun amal-amal baik yang kau sebut-sebutkan padaku! Bait-bait nasihat Islamik manapun kau berpesan pada ku! Akhlak mulia yang kau pertontonkan terhadap Ayahanda ku dan diriku! Sebenarnya aku keliru siapa dirimu sebenarnya. Siapa Sebenarnya DiriMu?

Walau apapun, kesemua ini, aku yakin, ujian Allah semata-mata. Berjaya mengaburkan hati dan perasaan ku terhadap akhlak dan dirimu yang sebenar. Aku gagal. Gagal mengenal siapa dirimu sebenarnya. SubhanAllah. Allah lah yang mengabarkan segala-segalanya tentang mu. Sesungguhnya Aku Berlindung dengan nama Allah Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang daripada syaitan yang direjam dan orang-orang yang zalim.

Siapa sebenarnya dirimu? Tidak kau takut dengan Allah Azawajalla yang senantiasa memerhati hambaNYA-hambaNYA?

Diketika ini aku amat bersyukur kepada Allah Yang Mana Penyayang dan Pengasih menutup pintu mu. Sungguh aku bersyukur. Alhamdulillah. Semoga Allah memberi kekuatan kepadaku untuk terus melangkah. Melangkah tinggalkan dirimu dan bayang-bayangmu di hujung benua sana. Tiada ku ingin melintasi lagi.

Sembang

Pengisian ‘Sembang’ mengungkapkan bicaraku dalam bahasa ibundaku. Topik sembang? Tiada yang khusus. Sebab itu aku khusus slot ini hanya ‘Sembang’. Semoga perkongsian slot ini ada manfaatnya pada pembaca Sembang. InsyaAllah.

Bicaraku dengan Mu hanya dalam Diam, tapi Nyata

Walk the Journey*

“When life gives you lemon, make lemonade”

Relapse. Something that I’m struggling with. Today, yesterday and the other day, relapse knock me off again. If this happens I’m out of spirit to go to work. I feel drain to drag myself to work and to do anything. Stuck in the house, in bed, under the blanket. Soo gloomy feeling surrounding me. The feeling that is hard to describe. Only those who experience depression is able to feel it. Why can’t I departed with the blanket? Dark room stays like that even though, the night long gone. The sun is shining bright outside. 

Conversing with myself. Shucks! The effective strategy dealing with my relapse has past due! Is void for now. Again, I have to look for alternative strategies to deal with it. See, it is not that you don’t realize when you experienced shut-down. Perhaps this is just a minor shutdown. Praying so hard. 

Walk the journey. One thing that I want to do now enduring this short relapse is W.R.I.T.E! Yes, write. Write my brain out. Write my heart out. Write my frustration down. Write what’s bottled in me for the past months. 

Writing. At home. On this small varnished wooden dinner table. Ceiling fan is making noise. Unbelievably, delightful chirping of birds outside the sliding door add on to the squeaking fan. These are clutters of disturbance. Nevertheless, I’m not disturbed by them. Possessed in the desire to be heard. I’m tapping the keyboard a way, letting what ever cross my mind building the words, sentences and paragraphs expressing my thoughts, feelings and despair. I’m trying to practice positive thoughts in walking this journey. I love this one phrase “When life gives you lemon, make lemonade”. My encounter with this phrase in the most unexpected spot, the cheap grocery bag. This phrase moves my heart, and find its way naturally into my soul.

What am I doing actually through this writing? Attempting writing like a pro. Ghezz. Sometimes I feel like, ‘How the hell good writers put together words to create unforgettable sentences that trigger goosebumps and awe in you? Why can’t I write the same? What sorts of talents they have? Is it possible I develop the talents too? How do you create develop your talent to become a prolific writer. I love this word – prolific writer. Perhaps walking this journey, I’m able to transform my escapism to depression relapse into endless experiments to develop my talent as prolific writer? Why NOT since a wise man will react the same to life challenge ‘ When life gives you lemon, make lemonade? ‘

How do you develop your talent in writing? 


*This is a message to myself. I know it’s funny. But it is essential for me to beat relapse, thus, progress. 

L . O . N . E . L . Y

Six words
Suffocated meaning
Unbearable feeling
Wistful futile thoughts

Boundless stormy ocean
Endless silence
Eternal isolation
Bottomless darkness pit

Unheard
Unspoken
Hidden sights

Kills smiles
Assassinate inspirations
Slaughter the will to live

A soft killer
Devil is smiling

God has created you stronger than loneliness.
Don’t let it argue with you. Beat it to death. Walk free.

Why I Write My Voice

Prelude

I’m inspired to share my reasons to write after reading ‘Why I Write‘ by Hira N.      Her truthful reasons echoes in my brain, Why I Write?

I asked my inner self repeatedly Why I Write?

I felt seeing myself going into my brain rummaging through every cell of it searching for the reasons. I am not ashamed to confess that I am a survivor from a narcissistic relationship. The relationship that was not long. It stands for just 6 months. God Bless me for not testing me longer than that. Alhamdulillah.

Nevertheless,  the damage of that six months to my brain is tremendous! This is in particular when I was at the most critical point of finishing my Ph.D., writing. Yes, writing. When writing is the most critical skill that I need. and where I needed my thinking with clarity!!!

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Why do I write? Why you write?

Why I Write?

First and foremost, I write for therapeutic reasons.

I write to control my brain from wandering everywhere. I realize that when you write –you’re writing about something, you need to stay focus to write on what you say that you’re going to write. So by doing that you train and refrained your brain from going off-track. I believe writing works for my brain as it increases the ‘pay attention time’ to say focus. Good writing needs clarity in presenting thoughts and ideas as well as arguments. Good writing putting ideas until one will arrive at a logical flow. So this requires my brain to truly stay focus. The struggle is real and it deprives a tremendous energy of my brain.

What happens to my feeling at this time? Well, frankly, writing in not my strength. This is especially when it comes to writing in a language that is not my mother tongue. This is my major setback.

I write to keep up with my hibernating brain. I write so that I don’t lose my flow of writing in my dissertation. I write to express things that I can’t express verbally. I write to think clearly. I write to verify things that I’m uncertain about that are thumping in my heart. I write to win the battle with the monster of doubtful. Doubtful feelings kill my passion and progress.

Second, I write to re-learn about myself. I write to remind myself of who I am. The crazy experience with the narcissist slowly kills my connection with my inner self. How? It attacks my identity, my confidence, my life principals and my core values as well as your wholebeing. Through writing I re-enter into my thoughts and feelings to hunt my old self. I found my old self buried deep under layers of lies, fake accusations and distorted reality as well as evil emotional burdens and fragility. I found her and I pulled her out and cleanse her from all the burdens and fragility. Alhamdulillah. Yeah, it is the feeling of finding my way home. Because of that I write so I feel good of ‘coming home’. Why I feel good? I pour out the boxes of thoughts with ‘the other person’ distorted identity and principals and values that are incorporated by forced into my inner being that dragged me to the confusion state of who I am, suffocated and unheard. Yes, and I write to be heard. To be heard by myself. I want to hear news from the inner self me!

Third,  I write to learn. In the recent years I’ve discovered that writing is one of the effective ways to learn. Well, I have to dig out my brain as well as planted new knowledge to better understand on something. I write to remember new things that I learned. I write to expand ideas and thoughts. I write to get facts connected. I write for sense-making. This purpose also helps me identify the gaps in my understanding that I have on the pursuit of understanding on certain subjects.

Fourth, I write to share and relate to others: I write to share my deepest pain. I write to relate to others who have similarly experienced. I found that when I can relate to other experiences that similar, I feel the burden lifted. I feel that I’m not alone. Normal people do walking rough path journey. And most importantly, I learnt about how to go about to overcome their challenges to face the same experiences. How they react to address the challenge. This is gold. Like one proverb say, you can change lemon to lemonade! That will make your day!

Fifth,  I write as a reminder and guide to walk through the turbulence. From this perspective, I see writing as a savior tool to remind me. I always forgot where I have been in my life after the life turbulence. I thought I walked out from it safely. And never, ever bump into it. The mistakes. The killing pains. The silly things. But NO, the turbulence never forgets me. Sometimes I get caught again with the same trap. And then again walking the mess, these printed words of the past reminds me, guide me, and encourage me to walk through the past again. Last time I made, God Willing, I will make it through again, and again.

Sixth, I write to inspire others that they can do it too! I write as I want to make writing as a habit and turning it into a hobby. I write to touch my inner feelings and deep thoughts. I write with my feelings. I write my thoughts. I write to think. I write to validate.  I write to learn. I write to persuade. I write to reach others who might have undergone similar paths of life. I write to know that I’m not different than other people out here. I write to say to others that you’re alone. I write to tell others that I can do it and so can you. I write to share that to know whether the pain in my heart is natural. I write to recreate. I write to get to know myself. I write to make new friends with same boats.

Seventh, I write for some many reasons! Alright, I write so many other reasons! I write an art of sing a song.  I write in pain sometimes in frustration. I write to learn to be truthful about my feelings. I write to learn to be articulated with my thoughts. I write to reflect.  I write to rewired my brain. I write to rationalize myself. I write when I’m angry. I write to delay my outburst when I’m angry. I have endless of reasons to dive into writing.

Finally, as I’ve declare earlier when I opened this window on Why I Write, I write for therapeutic reasons.

Can you relate to anyone of them? If not What are your reasons to write?

Jealousy Kills

In the past weeks, I learn a hard life lesson

Jealousy kills love?

But on the second thought

Jealousy may be a test to true love? 

If your loved ones truly love you

The best of you and the bad of you

Then He/She is able to forgive you? 

What do you think? About how jealousy impact your relationship with loved ones?