Pour my heart out. This is where the well of pain. Clean my heart from the pain. Word by word. Over and over again. Write the earnest truth. Nothing to hide.
Let’s my heart write. I brave myself face what I’ve written. The truth sometimes hard to swallow. But it’s okay. Life is full of surprises. The good ones. The bad ones. The happy ones. The sad ones. The incredible ones. Life has infinity tastes
Go on swallow. Swallow them. Word by word. The more times I swallow my own pain, the more familiar I become with the bitter taste of the pain. Eventually, the bitterness becomes bland. Bland into nothingness.
The future whispers to me deeply … ‘Remember, the feeling of hurts are temporary. I belief that submission to the will of God for not matter what situations (redha) is fundamental to wipe out the heart pain. No questions whatsoever. Just walk out. Value the emotions. Add on to my life experience palettes. And my belief is that time heals is another essential principle. Then my belief that my heart has the power of self-cleaning function. Heart Self-Cleaning function works with time. The more I use the self-cleaning function, the more efficient and effective it become the cleanse the heart. With redha and by time, my cleanse heart will heal’. InsyaAllah.
The collateral beauty of heart writing, it triggers the reason for an expressive writing habits. Over and over again. So I believe therapeutic writing is one of many ways to develop the writing habits. So move forward with heart writing!
Be brave to face the reality of riding storms in your life. Successful people like Canfield, Edison, and Kiyosaki, always articulate positively about failing! Canfield views failing is an opportunity to make attempts. Edison believes that failures are connected to how close we’re to succeed. And interestingly, Kiyosaki sees failure as an essential part of the learning curve, thus failing is needed to become a learned person. Our experiences talk louder than these words. Don’t worry about failing, keep trying! Keep progressing! Success is just around the corner.
Don’t worry about failures,
Worry about the chances you miss
when you don’t even try.
by Jack Canfield
Many of life’s failures are people
who did not realize how close they were to success
when they gave up
by Thomas Edison
Successful people don’t fear failure
but understand that it’s necessary to learn and grow from
Relapse. Something that I’m struggling with. Today, yesterday and the other day, relapse knock me off again. If this happens I’m out of spirit to go to work. I feel drain to drag myself to work and to do anything. Stuck in the house, in bed, under the blanket. Soo gloomy feeling surrounding me. The feeling that is hard to describe. Only those who experience depression is able to feel it. Why can’t I departed with the blanket? Dark room stays like that even though, the night long gone. The sun is shining bright outside.
Conversing with myself. Shucks! The effective strategy dealing with my relapse has past due! Is void for now. Again, I have to look for alternative strategies to deal with it. See, it is not that you don’t realize when you experienced shut-down. Perhaps this is just a minor shutdown. Praying so hard.
Walk the journey. One thing that I want to do now enduring this short relapse is W.R.I.T.E! Yes, write. Write my brain out. Write my heart out. Write my frustration down. Write what’s bottled in me for the past months.
Writing. At home. On this small varnished wooden dinner table. Ceiling fan is making noise. Unbelievably, delightful chirping of birds outside the sliding door add on to the squeaking fan. These are clutters of disturbance. Nevertheless, I’m not disturbed by them. Possessed in the desire to be heard. I’m tapping the keyboard a way, letting what ever cross my mind building the words, sentences and paragraphs expressing my thoughts, feelings and despair. I’m trying to practice positive thoughts in walking this journey. I love this one phrase “When life gives you lemon, make lemonade”. My encounter with this phrase in the most unexpected spot, the cheap grocery bag. This phrase moves my heart, and find its way naturally into my soul.
What am I doing actually through this writing? Attempting writing like a pro. Ghezz. Sometimes I feel like, ‘How the hell good writers put together words to create unforgettable sentences that trigger goosebumps and awe in you? Why can’t I write the same? What sorts of talents they have? Is it possible I develop the talents too?How do you create develop your talent to become a prolific writer. I love this word – prolific writer. Perhaps walking this journey, I’m able to transform my escapism to depression relapse into endless experiments to develop my talent as prolific writer? Why NOT since a wise man will react the same to life challenge ‘ When life gives you lemon, make lemonade? ‘
How do you develop your talent in writing?
*This is a message to myself. I know it’s funny. But it is essential for me to beat relapse, thus, progress.
I’m inspired to share my reasons to write after reading ‘Why I Write‘ by Hira N. Her truthful reasons echoes in my brain, Why I Write?
I asked my inner self repeatedly Why I Write?
I felt seeing myself going into my brain rummaging through every cell of it searching for the reasons. I am not ashamed to confess that I am a survivor from a narcissistic relationship. The relationship that was not long. It stands for just 6 months. God Bless me for not testing me longer than that. Alhamdulillah.
Nevertheless, the damage of that six months to my brain is tremendous! This is in particular when I was at the most critical point of finishing my Ph.D., writing. Yes, writing. When writing is the most critical skill that I need. and where I needed my thinking with clarity!!!
Why I Write?
First and foremost, I write for therapeutic reasons.
I write to control my brain from wandering everywhere. I realize that when you write –you’re writing about something, you need to stay focus to write on what you say that you’re going to write. So by doing that you train and refrained your brain from going off-track. I believe writing works for my brain as it increases the ‘pay attention time’ to say focus. Good writing needs clarity in presenting thoughts and ideas as well as arguments. Good writing putting ideas until one will arrive at a logical flow. So this requires my brain to truly stay focus. The struggle is real and it deprives a tremendous energy of my brain.
What happens to my feeling at this time? Well, frankly, writing in not my strength. This is especially when it comes to writing in a language that is not my mother tongue. This is my major setback.
I write to keep up with my hibernating brain. I write so that I don’t lose my flow of writing in my dissertation. I write to express things that I can’t express verbally. I write to think clearly. I write to verify things that I’m uncertain about that are thumping in my heart. I write to win the battle with the monster of doubtful. Doubtful feelings kill my passion and progress.
Second, I write to re-learn about myself. I write to remind myself of who I am. The crazy experience with the narcissist slowly kills my connection with my inner self. How? It attacks my identity, my confidence, my life principals and my core values as well as your wholebeing. Through writing I re-enter into my thoughts and feelings to hunt my old self. I found my old self buried deep under layers of lies, fake accusations and distorted reality as well as evil emotional burdens and fragility. I found her and I pulled her out and cleanse her from all the burdens and fragility. Alhamdulillah. Yeah, it is the feeling of finding my way home. Because of that I write so I feel good of ‘coming home’. Why I feel good? I pour out the boxes of thoughts with ‘the other person’ distorted identity and principals and values that are incorporated by forced into my inner being that dragged me to the confusion state of who I am, suffocated and unheard. Yes, and I write to be heard. To be heard by myself. I want to hear news from the inner self me!
Third, I write to learn. In the recent years I’ve discovered that writing is one of the effective ways to learn. Well, I have to dig out my brain as well as planted new knowledge to better understand on something. I write to remember new things that I learned. I write to expand ideas and thoughts. I write to get facts connected. I write for sense-making. This purpose also helps me identify the gaps in my understanding that I have on the pursuit of understanding on certain subjects.
Fourth, I write to share and relate to others: I write to share my deepest pain. I write to relate to others who have similarly experienced. I found that when I can relate to other experiences that similar, I feel the burden lifted. I feel that I’m not alone. Normal people do walking rough path journey. And most importantly, I learnt about how to go about to overcome their challenges to face the same experiences. How they react to address the challenge. This is gold. Like one proverb say, you can change lemon to lemonade! That will make your day!
Fifth, I write as a reminder and guide to walk through the turbulence. From this perspective, I see writing as a savior tool to remind me. I always forgot where I have been in my life after the life turbulence. I thought I walked out from it safely. And never, ever bump into it. The mistakes. The killing pains. The silly things. But NO, the turbulence never forgets me. Sometimes I get caught again with the same trap. And then again walking the mess, these printed words of the past reminds me, guide me, and encourage me to walk through the past again. Last time I made, God Willing, I will make it through again, and again.
Sixth, I write to inspire others that they can do it too! I write as I want to make writing as a habit and turning it into a hobby. I write to touch my inner feelings and deep thoughts. I write with my feelings. I write my thoughts. I write to think. I write to validate. I write to learn. I write to persuade. I write to reach others who might have undergone similar paths of life. I write to know that I’m not different than other people out here. I write to say to others that you’re alone. I write to tell others that I can do it and so can you. I write to share that to know whether the pain in my heart is natural. I write to recreate. I write to get to know myself. I write to make new friends with same boats.
Seventh, I write for some many reasons! Alright, I write so many other reasons! I write an art of sing a song. I write in pain sometimes in frustration. I write to learn to be truthful about my feelings. I write to learn to be articulated with my thoughts. I write to reflect. I write to rewired my brain. I write to rationalize myself. I write when I’m angry. I write to delay my outburst when I’m angry. I have endless of reasons to dive into writing.
Finally, as I’ve declare earlier when I opened this window on Why I Write, I write for therapeutic reasons.
Can you relate to anyone of them? If not What are your reasons to write?